Tacos in the Bathtub

I'm a sexism machine

2012-01-25T14:15:00.000-08:00

I have a small back log (or "blog") of posts that I wrote a while ago but didn't bother to post. This one's quite old, so if you know me in person you've probably heard it already.

A few months ago I was leaving class with another female science student and we passed a poster for a Women in Technology panel discussion. I turned to my friend and said, "Women and technology? Do they ...mix?"

That little remark got big laughs (from me) and a solid glare from her. I later found out that she was a featured speaker at the event. And that's when I learned (in theory) that I should keep my big mouth shut because a lot of people don't love jokes about sexism.

Here's an old conversation I had with a co-worker shortly after I finished my math degree. I'm not sure if it's more a testament to how prevalent sexism is, or how much of a jerk I am. In any case, it got big laughs from my family:

"I heard you graduated. So you have a math degree now?" my co-worker asked.

"Well, it's a women's math degree, but yes, it still counts," I replied.

"What? What's a women's math degree?"

"You know women aren't as good at math as men, right? So they can't give us the same exams, obviously."

He laughed, then said, "really? I knew men were better at math, but I didn't know they had seperate degrees."

"Of course. You golf, right? So you know that women get to tee off closer to the hole. Same idea. If they gave the men's exams to the women, we would all fail."

"Whoa. I didn't know that. Give me an example then."

"Well, for our final number theory exam, the men had to prove Euler's Theorem, and the women just traced it with a crayon."

good idea? Or great idea?

2011-12-12T17:04:00.000-08:00

I want to date a man with an androgynous name so I can refer to him as "my life partner" to freak my parents out. Then they'll meet him and see that he's a man, and that's when I'll tell them I'm getting a sex change.

This Concludes Science Degree Two: The Drunkening

2011-12-05T12:05:00.000-08:00

I've got three more exams, and then I'm done with school. I've reminded my grandparents at least twice that I'm graduating this year, but I can't blame them for not remembering or caring. This will be my third graduation in the last ten years, and I have cried wolf at least once. My whole family came to my highschool graduation, which was memorable more for the scene created by my brother Dan at the buffet than for celebrating a milestone in my life.

As a teenager, Dan approached communal food with a competitive attitude. From the minute we arrived at the school, he stood by the folding tables of food, continuously reloading his plate and eating. He was working through the second platter of sandwiches, when he held one up and remarked to our father, "I don't know how many more of these I can eat; it's starting to really hurt" before popping it in his mouth. Some popular girls from my class came up to me, visibly put off, and said, "Your brother is eating everything!"

I didn't go to convocations when I graduated in 2007, and I don't plan on going this year either. I'm not big on fancy ceremonies and nothing's going to top my last graduation experience. I do like free food, and there will probably be plenty there, but I would rather see my brother gorge himself to painful satisfaction while my peers look on, appalled and disgusted.

Because that's what graduations are all about.

I have a friend named Dick. He gave me his email address.

2011-11-22T02:34:00.000-08:00

subject: new idea
from: thea
date: Monday, November 21, 2011 9:52 pm
to: Dick

I have a new idea for a web series starring you.

Each episode will feature a different tip about housework, relationships, cooking, landscaping, etc. The series will be called "Dick Tips". The episodes will open with you introducing yourself followed by the featured tip. Then you will demonstrate the tip, and close with "this has been Dick Tips with Dick Wang".

The first episode will feature the following tip:
Run the hot water while you're taking a dump. That way you'll have an alibi for the steamed up windows.

Let me know if you're in.

thea

philosophical conversation

2011-11-04T14:27:00.000-07:00

Tim: a wizard transforms you into a sandwich.

me: delicious!

Tim: who do you want to eat you? You may only choose from dead people.

my father is in town

2011-10-23T00:37:00.000-07:00

Every now and then, he reminds me that I was afraid of him when I was a child.

dad: So you got my message?

me: No, I just randomly dialed hotels asking for you. This is my thirty-seventh try.

dad: Cut the snark.

me: Yes sir.

humour in the classroom

2011-10-17T15:15:00.000-07:00

today my prof decided to liven up the lecture with a little humour:

"So you may have seen the comic strip 'Dilbert'. Sometimes Dilbert's boss asks him to add a feature onto software at the last minute, and then Dilbert gets pretty upset. And depending on what the feature is, it can be pretty funny."

The True Point of Adulthood

2011-10-02T14:39:00.000-07:00

I finally ordered some Kliban books online. Bernard Kliban is my favourite cartoonist, whose work I first encountered when I was a little kid. Incidentally, he used to be a regular contributer to Playboy magazine. I've wanted these books for nearly twenty years.

When I was nine I found some Kliban books in my dad's office, and when he caught me looking at them, he took them away and hid them in a closet. I waited for him to go to sleep, then snuck into the closet with a flashlight and notebook and spent several hours copying the cartoons (Apparently the composer J. S. Bach did this with sheet music by moonlight when he was a young boy, after his brother forbade him to play the music. So maybe I'm the Bach of nudie drawings or something).

As I lie on my bed reading my new books and eating from a gallon jar of M&M's, it occurs to me that a large part of my adult life is spent fulfilling my childhood wants. That's why fully one half of my desk storage space is devoted to candy. If I could talk to my nine-year-old self, I would totally rub it in her face.

dry heave

2011-09-06T22:15:00.000-07:00

My roommate does this adorable thing where she buys a big bag of produce, eats ten per cent of it, then leaves the rest in the refrigerator so we can watch it slowly break down over the following months.

Today I cleaned out the fridge and removed a bag of carrots that was black and orange and gooey and looked like a bag of Halloween taffy that had melted in the sun. Even worse was a shrinkwrapped cucumber from early July, which left behind a snail trail of yellowy liquid when I took it from the refrigerator shelf. Now I'm drinking her beer because removing that cucumber was like picking up a giant, slimy flacid penis (something I haven't done in years, and also required beer).

The best way for me to deal with traumatizing things like this, is to document them in detail, and then put them on my blog.

Family Time

2011-08-23T21:21:00.000-07:00

I went to the island to visit my family last week. I have a large extended family, and we try to stay connected, so some of them came to visit me in Vancouver, and some of them met me in Nanaimo. I also wanted to be in Nanaimo to celebrate my parents' wedding anniversary (celebrating their anniversary = sleeping in their trailer and eating their food).

The big day turned out to be pretty low-key. They dropped me off at a record store and celebrated their 30th anniversary in Victoria. It was wonderful. I walked up and down every aisle of that store for hours, eating a bag of licorice and feeling like a kid again -in the sense that my parents looked at that big second-hand music store and saw a free babysitting service. I'm not complaining; I bought some great new CDs for cheap. And I don't blame them at all for ditching me to get some alone time. Here are some conversations we had on the way to Victoria:

me: I lost my phone. If you find it in your truck, can you have it shipped back to Vancouver?

dad: Nah. I'll just forward all your calls from now on.

me: Ok, but I'm moonlighting for a sex chat line, so...

dad: If that were true, you wouldn't be broke all the time.

...

mom (watching me solve a Rubik's cube): Is that a mathematical thing?

me: Everything is mathematical. Name something.

mom: Ballet dan-

me: MATHEMATICAL! Go ahead, name something else. I dare you.

dad: no more talking, Thea.

Summertime

2011-07-28T09:19:00.000-07:00

My older brother complained recently about my lack of blog updates. Well, it is summertime, and we've had some sunny days in Vancouver recently, so if I haven't been indoors sitting behind my computer, there must be a problem with my internet connection.

It's fixed now, but for a while there I was outside doing stuff. I went to the beach twice (that's infinity percent more than every other summer I've spent in Vancouver). I also did some urban exploring in North Vancouver and crawled through some storm drains with my adventurous friends.

The internet connection is working again, so now I'm lying on my bed like a beached whale, watching The Colbert Report online, holding my head up with one hand and spooning curry into it with the other. At this point I'd like to thank my brother for the 'Tusker' t-shirt he got for me from Kenya. The large silk screened logo on the front catches most of the food I slop on myself, and it's pretty much waterproof so I can just wipe it off later. It essentially functions as an inconspicuous adult bib.

So there you have it. I was without internet for a while, and I went outside. I plan on neither happening again.

playoffs

2011-06-13T15:44:00.000-07:00

"Sports are great because everyone's on board. It's like racism."
-my friend Carson

As you probably already know, Canucks fans (most Vancouverites) are pretty excited about the Stanley Cup playoffs. I'm not really into hockey, but I could easily jump on this bandwagon and feign interest. Or I could pretend to know even less about it than I actually know, and convince my boss to do the same. Here's how that went:

me: hey boss! Our team won the game. Put on your special shirt.

boss: *grins and pulls out a Canucks jersey*

both: goooooooooooooooo SPORTS! *high five*

for the first two-thirds of the conversation, consult wikipedia

2011-06-08T20:57:00.000-07:00

me: ...and that's how autoerotic asphyxiation works.

new roommate: I never knew that.

me: and that's why I keep a belt on my nightstand.

I moved again, back to Commercial Drive (again) from Main Street (again). If you want to keep track, I moved to Commercial Drive three years ago, then to Main Street, then back to Commercial Drive, then to Main Street, and now I'm back on Commercial Drive.

missed it by that much

2011-05-31T22:05:00.000-07:00

So I didn't graduate after all, despite confirming with an adviser back in September. I finished my math degree with the opposite scenario. It's like they say, a watched pot never graduates.

I'll be back on campus in September.

my year goes out with a bang

2011-04-30T18:05:00.000-07:00

The past two months have been even busier than the usual end of the academic year.

I gave a cryptography lecture to a class of 100 first year students. I wrote and passed exams and I won my first legal battle. Next month I will be officially graduated from UBC with a degree in computer science. And I just ate a fruit salad twice the size of my head (my head is huge, btw). I feel great.

It's weird that I'm about to graduate with a degree in computer science. I'm hilariously bad at it -at least I assume it's hilarious because people are often laughing at me when I do it. But that's why I'm here. A math degree alone is not very employable, and computers aren't going away. I want (and probably need) to be good with them to get a good job. I have literally picked the thing I am worst at and decided to make a career out of it.

It's exactly this kind of achievement, along with overcoming my fear of public speaking, that threatens to bloat my ego to unattractive levels. I haven't felt this confident since I graduated from grade seven. But these things don't last and my life tends to be follow a sinusoidal pattern, so I'm sure it will come back down to normal and then I'll hit second puberty.

food critique

2011-03-02T20:19:00.000-08:00

Dan: I used to reward myself with food, but I had to stop because it was getting out of hand. I was up to five lunches in a day.

me: how do you even fit that much food in yourself? They had to be small lunches. What constitutes a lunch?

Dan: a pie.

me: a PIE counts as lunch? And you eat multiple lunches!?

Dan: I wont take criticism from someone who eats a plate of tacos in the bathtub!

me: hey! That was... different. It was, like, ten years ago.

Birthday Pool

2011-02-27T19:02:00.000-08:00

Congrats to Damien, Dick and Will, who won the annual Birthday Pool by correctly guessing that my birthday would land on February 21st this year. Almost everyone got the month right, and from there you have (usually) a 1 in 28 chance of correctly guessing the day, almost 4%, which is pretty close to the percentage of my friends who got it right. I'm not complaining; it's nice to have a birthday that seems to last for well over a week. It's like The Twelve Days of Birthday.

Here is one of the later entries:

Tonya: Happy Birthday!

me: thanks!

Tonya: I hope you're having a good one.

me: it was actually on Monday, but yes, it was a good one.

Tonya: oh my god! I'm so sorry. I told all of our mutual friends it was today... you'll be getting some more phone calls in the next few hours.

horrible, terrible people

2011-02-18T11:58:00.000-08:00

my mom, in reference to my brother's new goatee: I think it looks good. He's starting to look more and more like his father, back in the day.

me: back when dad was a sexual predator?

...

me: I should probably cut down on the bulimia jokes.

Tim: no, you should go ahead and get them all out of your system.

...

my mom, to her parents: that orphan's fund sure pulled in a lot of money this year. Lucky orphans. Damn I wish I was an orphan.

I slept my way to the top

2011-01-17T12:03:00.000-08:00

when I went skiing and fell asleep on the chair lift.

What a slut I am!

Plan B

2010-12-28T14:29:00.000-08:00

I became homeless in November, as I have many times before, by moving out of a suite and not moving into a new one. Luckily I have a lot of close friends, and being homeless during school and exams worked out well. For most of November I stayed with the two cutest sisters in Vancouver (still not sure how this plan got demoted to 'B'), who of course refused any sort of payment or compensation for wrecking their previously very nice couch.

I also stayed with Tim for two weeks, which was no small inconvenience for him. He took my laundry over to his grandmother's house to be washed, and missed one of my socks in the dryer. His grandmother found the very feminine looking sock, and called him immediately. Tim, not wanting to explain the situation, and assuming she would soon forget about it, told his grandmother that he didn't know where it came from, and must belong to some other family member. She then proceeded to call and question every member of Tim's extended family.

Since then I've been staying with my good friends Rory and Adam, who have provided me with a bed and a home, and have also extended several invitations to Christmas parties and family dinners. I've been invited to so many parties, dinners and brunches that I haven't had to buy groceries in nearly two weeks, yet have eaten enough that a normal person would have become ashamed or bulimic.

An older relative once told me that you get out of friendships what you put into them. With two months room and board as evidence, I think we can all agree that I must be one hell of a great friend.

what not to say to your couch-surfing host

2010-11-29T15:12:00.001-08:00

I don't know what did it, but something got the old pipes moving again.

No, I didn't have a bowel movement. I had a bowel symphony.

caught in the lamest act

2010-11-08T21:05:00.000-08:00

Late Wednesday evening I was sitting in the Ron Riddell Honours Mathematics Reading Room in the Math Annex, writing a crappy Haskell program, when I heard the door open. Since the building was locked, I assumed it was my friend Dick, who has his very own office right down the hall but visits here often because in his own office, nobody laughs uncontrollably when he makes a poop joke.

"Hi, Dick," I said without looking up.
"ok, I'm gonna need some ID," said an unfamiliar voice. I looked up to see a campus security guard.
"seriously?"
"The building is officially closed, so yeah, seriously I'm gonna need to see your ID."
"ok, I have a UBC card."
"it's expired," he said after examining it. Then he flipped open a little book and started writing.
"am I in trouble for having expired ID?"
"You have to get a new card. I'm just writing you up for being here."

I tried not to laugh. Of all the things I've done in this building after hours, 'being here' goes down as my official crime? Even unintentionally calling the security guard a dick seems worse than that. Definitely worse than that are going onto the roof of the building, going onto the roof while drinking, breaking into locked rooms, breaking into locked rooms while drinking, and living here to avoid paying the obscene extended-stay fees at my dormitory (while drinking). After all that, I get busted just for sitting here programming after 6:30. I wonder if this infraction is going on my permanent record. That would be fucking wholesome.

neither one of them had a good response

2010-10-25T13:52:00.000-07:00

former roommate: My mom has a computer science degree. But she only worked for a year as a software developer and then she got pregnant with me.

me: How foolish of her to get knocked up.

...

my mom: We've never really had a vacation. Of course, we didn't always have the money, what with all you kids.

me: How foolish of you to get knocked up so many times.

Thanksgiving

2010-10-12T18:24:00.000-07:00

As usual, my thanksgiving was mostly unmemorable, filled with homework, tv, laundry, and drinking alone. I've come to expect little more from a long weekend in October. But no matter how lame my thanksgiving was, it couldn't possibly have been worse than it was for the woman ahead of me at the grocery store checkout, who was purchasing four items: one Stouffers microwaveable tv dinner and three packs of store brand anti-nausea medication.

And the ensuing conversation I had with Tim:

thea says: If it takes three packs to get it down, maybe she should try a different brand of microwave dinner.
Tim says:
no - it takes one pack to get it down
Tim says:
one pack to KEEP it down
Tim says:
and the third pack is to keep you from vomiting in horror at what you just made your body do.

snap

2010-10-07T00:49:00.000-07:00

my uncle: you know we always wanted a daughter.

my mom: if you're still interested, mine's up for adoption.

I quit my job

2010-09-26T14:01:00.000-07:00

I knew it was time to move on when I finally succeeded in high-fiving my boss. He's a fifty-something former Israeli soldier who rarely understands my humour. I once jokingly referred to myself as a man in front of him, resulting in neither a chuckle nor a smile, just sincere confusion over my gender (although perhaps I have overestimated my feminine charm). My first attempt to high-five him ended in a very awkward head-level handshake, but after a few more tries and a quick demonstration, we progressed to slapping our palms together and then shaking hands (still at head-level). Two years later we completed an ordinary high-five, and shortly thereafter I gave my notice. I should have guessed that since he doesn't know when I'm joking, he's also not sure when I'm serious.

boss: what time can you come in on Monday?

co-worker: tomorrow's her last day. She wont be here at all on Monday.

boss: WHAT?

me: I told you that. Three weeks ago, remember?

boss: I didn't think you were serious.

It would have been much worse had I followed through on my original plan to give him a resignation letter consisting simply of the sentence "See you later, alligator." After two more conversations about my departure, my boss and I finally reached a compromise: he would take me off the schedule, but leave me on the payroll.

Workplace Relationships

2010-08-23T18:51:00.000-07:00

me: sorry I missed your birthday party.

co-worker: it's ok.

me: I got your invitation, and I wanted to be there. It just completely slipped my mind.

co-worker: when I said, "it's ok" I really meant, "I didn't actually want you to come." You would have spent the whole time making fun of me.

me: well that's ...fair.

customer (to co-worker): wow, you should play the piano, you have such long fingers!

me: that's nothing. You should see her toes.

co-worker: (glares)

Also, the following all-purpose response didn't fly the last time I screwed up at work. Maybe you could try it.

"this is at least fifty percent your fault for hiring me."

every now and then, I miss home just a little bit

2010-08-03T01:25:00.000-07:00

things my mother has seen in her neighbourhood in the past week:

-a bear (in her driveway)
-an owl
-a mother deer with two babies

things I have seen in my neighbourhood in the past week:

-a homeless man holding a sign which read "Hungry Hungry Hobos"
-a dead rat

Indoor Fireworks

2010-07-21T05:46:00.000-07:00

Damien blew up my magic box (a fun little piece of circuitry leftover from a computer science course) by plugging it into the transformer I use to power my HO-scale model locomotive. I'm not exaggerating either; it really exploded, with loud noises, sparks and smoke. As expected, my magic box circuit doesn't work anymore (my dad once told me that smoke is what makes electronics work. If they leak smoke, they stop working). The explosion looked pretty awesome. Several of the sparks hit Damien and burned a hole in his shorts, so that was exciting. My place smelled like smoke, and for once it didn't cost me a perfectly good tea towel or dinner. The epicenter of the explosion was a capacitor -the top of it was completely blown off -that's pretty cool. And I had the opportunity to use dad's joke about smoke inside electronics.

Looks like the pros outweigh the cons. In the future, when I've got unrelated electronic things on the same desk and someone starts plugging things into other things, I'll pay attention. For now, thanks Damien!

some conversations I had last week

2010-07-13T21:22:00.000-07:00

Dan: Sorry about the abrupt ending to our last conversation. I just don't like talking on the phone in front of other people.

me: No problem.

Dan: I was sitting on my couch and other people started sitting on it next to me. So it was either, hang up the phone, or get off the couch.

me: Ok.

Dan: I didn't get off the couch.

(when I first typed this up and asked my brother if I could post it, he told me not to leave out the part about drugs. So here's how the rest of the conversation went.)

me: So you just sat there for the rest of the day?

Dan: There were drugs.

me: Drugs are pretty important. In a competition between family and drugs...

Dan: Drugs. For sure, drugs.

also, after what seemed like a pleasant conversation with Tim's dad,

me: All this time I thought your dad hated me, but I guess not. He seemed pretty friendly yesterday.

Tim: Actually, he had no idea who you were.

moth problem

2010-07-07T02:34:00.000-07:00

A moth flew into my box of sugar cubes a few days ago, and couldn't find his way out. When I opened it and tried to direct him to freedom (using a butter knife, bright lights, and negative reinforcement), he started flopping around, getting little bits of dust from his wings onto the sugar cubes. By the time I got him out of there, just about every sugar cube had a tiny bit of moth wing dust on it.

I've never been good at throwing away food. While unsettling, trace amounts of moth aren't harmful if ingested, and definitely not fatal. But I'm not so poor that I can't afford to spring for a new box, and each cup of coffee will be less enjoyable if I know it has a tiny bit of moth in it. I will be drinking unsweetened coffee until I resolve the matter.

Sometimes it feels like I'm the only person in the world with these problems.

difficulties being serious

2010-06-08T01:34:00.000-07:00

my boss: can you take Mike's shift tomorrow? We're at the hospital with him now, and we think his throat has ruptured, or his tonsils have exploded or something; he's coughing up lots of blood.
me: that's awful! I was in the middle of spaghetti.

from a few years ago:

roommate: I'm so sorry about your grandmother. If there's anything I can do, anything at all, you just let me know.
me: give me your Gamecube.

Luckily both conversations were via email or texting, and by the time I had finished keying out a response, I had reconsidered. In real time, without that slight lag, I'm a total jackass.

I am a nomad

2010-05-19T20:39:00.000-07:00

At the end of this week I'm moving to a little basement suite on Commercial Drive. This will be my eleventh home since moving to Vancouver 8 years ago, and my first one with no roommates.

People keep asking me if it's nice. Seriously, guys. You're talking to someone who has, at various times, lived in a storage room with no door, a cockroach-infested dive in South Vancouver, the math building at my university, and a closet the size of a deep-freeze. Don't ask if it's "nice". Ask me if the owner/caretaker knows I'm living there, and whether or not it has indoor plumbing. Or ask me if the bathroom has a door (no, that would cost extra).

I am living there legally and paying rent, it does have indoor plumbing, and the bathroom really does have a door. But regardless of how nice it is, I've got the place to myself. So I'll be whizzing with the bathroom door open anyway.

lazy

2010-05-03T23:27:00.000-07:00

Today I finished off a carton of ice cream, and since the garbage bin was full, I put the empty box back in the freezer. When I was a kid, I used to do this with empty milk cartons, not because the garbage bin was full, but because I liked to watch my dad pick up the empty carton and make a series of bewildered disgruntled sounds.

End of Exams celebration

2010-04-22T16:58:00.000-07:00

And a celebration is certainly in order after that performance. Afterall, you can't spell "Nailed It!" without a 'D'.

The best part about exams, right after the convenience of being able to wear the same clothes every day due to decreased social contact, is planning how I will celebrate the end of exams. Last year I celebrated Howard Hughes style, by holing up in my room, eating junk food and watching movies (about Howard Hughes, just to be a little bit recursive as well as reclusive). Unlike Hughes, I didn't urinate into empty bottles, which was more a function of convenience and bathroom proximity than disgust.

After my last exam in December, I came straight home and had a few shots of vodka, which under normal circumstances would have little effect on me. But I had only slept two hours the night before, and hadn't consumed anything except coffee in over 16 hours. Without considering this, I called a friend right away to confirm a date, and I was effectively drunk. When he asked about it, I tried to say, "I only had a bit of vodka, but I guess it worked quick." It came out something like, "I only had a bit of vodka, but it were quack."

I talked to my mother last night, and since I still have two exams to write, she asked me to call her on Monday after my last exam is done.
"Oh, I'll be drunk." I told her.
"And you wont be able to dial?"
"you want me to drunk-dial you?"
Apparently she does. I hope drunk-dialing friends and family doesn't turn into a routine exam celebration. Such a tradition could potentially be more embarrassing than urinating into empty bottles.

today I bribed somebody to play a board game

2010-03-29T21:07:00.000-07:00

My dorky brother wrote this. Then I copied and pasted it from marijuana.com into my blog.

Has anybody ever played Twilight Imperium?

My sister once told me how she was roped into a game of Twilight Imperium, and got so bored that she tried to lose the game, but couldn't figure out how exactly to do that. However, I am a much bigger fan of board games than my sister is, so I tried it out.

It's one of the most notoriously over-complicated board games on the market. The rulebook is over 40 pages long, it comes with several hundred cards, tokens, and plastic pieces, and it is a completely different game every time because you have to re-make the galaxy every game. I have played it constantly with my friends for the past couple of days, and we got as good as to have the board game set up within 30 minutes one time. A full game for us has taken... well we haven't played a full game yet because it takes 4 hours at least for us to get to a point where we have established at least a narrative of the game, but need to clear the table and eat like human beings again. Often this is a test of will, where the person who loses the game is the person who has to forfeit for personal or hygiene reasons.

However, it is a perfect game for me and my two fellow board-game obsessed friends. Unfortunately for us, it really is a much more fun game to play with a fourth person, even if that fourth person was promised a cash incentive and snacks from 7-11. We also told her it was like playing Puerto Rico, which was a damned dirty lie.

At around turn 8 (hour 3) she was close to falling asleep and played the game more out of a frustrated effort to be over with. I remember her smiling grimly when I told her that it had been a trap: "It's a trap!" in my best Admiral Ackbar voice.

That's when she left. As per our custom, that meant that her and her teammate (angry at having been teamed up with "the girl") had to forfeit. I was winning anyways.

I still don't understand why this relationship didn't work out

2010-03-10T15:37:00.000-08:00

Tim: I'm tired, but I know if I go to bed now, I wont be able to fall asleep.

me: a warm glass of milk might help. Laced with a little GHB.

Tim: I don't think I have any milk.

me: a warm glass of GHB should do it.

Tim: I'm pretty sure that would kill me.

me: that's ok, even if you die, your body will stay warm and soft, long enough to be raped.

boo-yah!

2010-02-09T01:48:00.001-08:00

mom: I sure hope you and Daniel don't have your graduation ceremonies on the same day.

me: that probably wont happen.

mom: if it does, I'm totally skipping his.

...

co-worker: I'm kind of the pride of my family.

me: is your family pretty hard up for pride?

bathroom humour

2010-01-18T21:35:00.000-08:00

Today in class, while running through some basic Matlab features, our professor reminded us that, "at the end of a command in Matlab the semicolon suppresses output." And I thought to myself, "Well I have an entire colon which facilitates output."

cheap laughs at work

2010-01-16T02:09:00.000-08:00

boss: it's just us two today, but I think we can make it because we're such a good team. We should have a team name.

me: teeeeeeeeam RETARD!

...

customer: I can't seem to find my wife.

me: would you like me to page her?

customer: would you? Her name's Wendy.

me: WENNNN-DEEEEEEE!

Holiday Highlights

2010-01-02T13:23:00.000-08:00

-I dressed up as an elf for work. I ended up looking more like a homeless elf.

-I was invited to two turkey dinners at friends places. Twice the food comas, none of the clean-up.

-my mother got me a gift which she claims, "every twenty five year old man wants". Last year a co-worker of mine asked me if I was a man. I don't think I look very masculine, so I decided to test it by trying to start a rumour that I'm transgendered. Nobody bit except, apparently, my own mother.

-my friends Corey and Rory bought me a sandwich grill, so I've been eating reubens almost every day since Christmas Day. I've got more swiss cheese flowing through my veins than I have blood. If they had a breathalyzer for cheese intake, it would be illegal for me to drive.

Happy Christmas

2009-12-22T01:32:00.001-08:00

to my friends and to my family, and especially to my big brother who is on his way to Africa. Click on the link labelled "my other brother" for an interesting read.

My brother and I wont be with the rest of the family during the holidays. And while he will certainly be missed, they can compensate for lack of my presence by siphoning several litres of gasoline out of the car, pouring out an eight dollar bottle of wine, and placing some sandbags on the couch for most of the evening. That's pretty much the meat of it. There will be two fewer people to make fun of them at all times, but I have a feeling that Dan can pick up that slack.

study break

2009-12-16T01:30:00.000-08:00

Exam season is here, and so I'm wearing my lucky exam toque to cover my lucky exam dandruff. The toque also serves as a kind of device to keep me warm in the unheated lecture halls where exams are held.

Once exams are over, I'll be heading back to work for pretty much every day until classes resume in January, so I can earn back some of the money I blew on new boxing equipment this month. I finally bought a stand for my heavybag -not for punching though; I mostly just slap it around and yell at it.

This post seems long enough. Back to the books.

where I get it from

2009-11-23T14:25:00.000-08:00

As usual, conversations with my mother are an excellent source of blog fodder.

mom: ...so James loaned me his paintball gun. That's not illegal, is it? Shooting people who come onto my lawn?

me: if they're gonna start cracking down on that activity in your neighbourhood, I doubt they'll start with you. Why don't you just set up a trip wire?

mom: we didn't have the stuff to make one.

...

mom: when I visited your little cousins in Toronto, I told them about the time I took them to the circus.

me: you never took them to the circus.

mom: I know. I'm trying to implant false memories.

highlights from last week

2009-11-12T01:30:00.000-08:00

in point form!

-I noticed that a new liquor store is being built just a few blocks from my house. Last month, shortly after I moved here, they tore down the only liquor store within walking distance of my house. When I saw the newer, closer BCL with the 'Opening Soon' banner across the front window, I was so happy I threw away my flask of Robitussin.

-My brother was in town, for about six hours. Just long enough to get dinner and take in a Mad Caddies concert with Damien.

-I finally saw the Mad Caddies. Daniel and I bought t-shirts and danced up a storm, and even though I didn't "Bone a Caddy" as I had hoped, I was close enough to the stage to almost get hit in the head with a trombone. So I was nearly 'boned by a Caddy.

-my old roommate dropped by and we watched most of the third season of 30 Rock.

-I skipped class the next day to finish watching 30 Rock.

This has been extremely useful in justifying my 33% score on a pipelining quiz. Let's see that again, in slow mo.

a workplace conversation

2009-11-07T22:04:00.000-08:00

co-worker: what's that disease called, everyone who has it looks kind of the same. They all have red hair and gangly limbs...

me: being Irish isn't a disease.

co-worker: no no, it's this disease, I knew a guy who had it, and he was really short.

me: a leprechaun? That's not a disease either.

we're all such big fans of the caddies

2009-10-26T15:06:00.000-07:00

me: so I'm going to see a Mad Caddies show in November.

mom: that's great.

me: yeah, I've always wanted to bone a Caddy, so maybe this is my big chance.

mom: can you get me a t-shirt?

so, how was your evening?

2009-10-18T20:48:00.000-07:00

EDU>> p3 = plot(domain,f(domain));

Error using ==> mtimes
Inner matrix dimensions must agree.
Error in ==> @(x)(cos(x)*x-sin(x))/x^2

EDU>> fuck you

Undefined function or method 'fuck' for input arguments of type 'you'.

(near) revenge of the widow

2009-10-15T18:11:00.000-07:00

My dorky brother wrote this. Then I copied and pasted it from marijuana.com into my blog.

Today, they nearly got their revenge. I opened the fridge, only to be startled by a black widow falling off the door handle (immediately next to my hand). I recovered my wits after a second and grasped the situation. I was not bitten, but the danger was still grave. My roommate was walking by me to get a glass of water, so I shouted a warning to him ("Gawaaaarghh!" while pointing) but it was too late. As he walked by the spider, its single web (widows usually drop with an "escape line") caught his foot, and the spider was dragged quickly behind him. For a second, it seemed to both of us that the black widow had exhibited amazing alacrity and attempted a "lunge sting" which I understand is a very popular move among spiders trained in the deadly arts.

My roommate was alert to the situation and he quickly shook the dazed spider and its web off his sock, and ran to the front entrance, where we keep a broken mop handle hanging on the wall. We had anticipated such a breach of the perimeter. The mop handle dealt the spider no less than 5 blows before we could confirm the kill. It was at this point that I lowered myself from the counter-top.

"Spider-bane" being returned to her spot on the wall, we took note to be more careful not to leave the front screen door open. Winter is coming, which means we will have to enforce a strict "no immigrant" policy to avoid strained domestic politics.

critique: While entertaining and stirring, "(Near) Revenge of the Widow" fails to deliver the excitement we've come to expect from the author of "Attack of the Killer Robot Zombies". In the future, Mr. MacPhearsome would do well to remember where his strengths lie: in science fiction thrillers.
-his sister

a retarded conversation with Tim at 2am

2009-10-07T02:11:00.000-07:00

me: I hate Matlab.
Tim: hey, Matlab is fine. Its YOU that is programmed wrong. Matlab has been complaining all night about how you aren't user-friendly.
me: at least I'm really enjoying this beaver soda
Tim: Are you trying to say something sexual?
me: Beaver Soda. It's a thing you can buy.
Tim: frankly, it sounds made up.
me: www.beaversoda.com
Tim: this sure is an elaborate lie your're perpetuating with the fake website and all.
me: I stayed up to 1:30 making that website
Tim: it is quite good.
me: it's all MS Paint.
Tim: i have always admired your attention to detail. And your breasts.
me: they're totally photoshopped.

I'm in my station wagon, noticing that you've put on a lot of weight this year

2009-10-02T00:29:00.000-07:00

My mother recently ended an email with 'lolmom'. I'm going to assume that she meant to put a space and some punctuation in the middle of that, and try not to think about a very terrible potential internet meme.

ch-ch-ch-changes!

2009-09-30T20:56:00.000-07:00

I have now had this blog for 4 years. In that time I have held 4 different jobs, and lived in 6 different homes with 11 different roommates. This week I moved again, with my current roommate to Main Street, where my long messy hair and shabby clothes are actually in style.

We found our old place over a year ago through a craigslist ad which stated, in all capital letters, that it has 'VERY LOW CEILINGS'. We were ok with that, since neither of us is especially tall. When the landlord responded to our email for an appointment he reminded us, again with capital letters, of the low ceilings. The next day he met us at the front door and let us into the suite, again reminding us (though not in capital letters) of the low ceilings. We looked around and filled out an application, and I thought about saying, "Gee, these ceilings are really low!" just to see what he would do.

Three months ago he told us that we would have to move out. I half expected him to specify that we had to move out of the place with LOW CEILINGS.

Some things have not changed -I am still apparently dressing like a middle aged man. This morning I was sitting in class and noticed that I was wearing the exact same pants as the professor. A few years ago, I went up to my linear algebra professor to ask a question after class, and as I got to the front of the room, we both looked down at eachother and realized we were wearing the exact same sweater (although mine did have a few small holes in it). A pretty good description of most of my wardrobe would be "homeless professor". I wonder if I'm not just purchasing their recently donated clothes from the Salvation Army.

More things that have not changed: I recently attended a family reunion, and not surprisingly, my family is still highly amused by jokes about gender stereotypes. But more on that later.

the worst way to break the news

2009-08-20T03:28:00.000-07:00

my mom: Why did you spend fifty dollars on liquor?

me: I'm drinking for two.

another day, another dollar

2009-08-18T12:55:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday morning, like every other morning, I got into work on time, opened the store and waited half an hour for my boss to call and tell me she was a half hour late. Shortly thereafter the other boss called to tell me he would be there, eventually, but more importantly he had saved a lot of money on his long distance phone bills. People ask me why I still work there. This is why:

boss (cleaning up a spill): why am I even doing this? I am NOT the cleaning lady. I am the BOSS!

me (sitting on the counter): you can be two things.

boss (to customers): if you have any questions, let us know.

me: let her know. Just leave me out of it.

me: Can I come in an hour late tomorrow? I'm gonna be pretty drunk tonight.

boss: yeah, sure.

heatwave

2009-07-30T23:45:00.000-07:00

Vancouver is currently going through a record-breaking heatwave. I am dealing with the situation by staying hydrated, not complaining, and responding to comments about my pale legs with a refreshing slap across the commenter's face.

I've also been sleeping with my ice cream maker in my bed. I can't believe I didn't think of this sooner. It's the most use I've gotten out of it since I stole it from my mom's house last summer (as an aside, my mother hasn't eaten ice cream in over a decade, so what need could she possibly have for an ice cream machine? Apparently one so pressing she had acquired two more since I had last visited -she was storing three ice cream machines in her basement, two still in boxes). Not only does the ice cream machine keep my bed at a good temperature, but it does so for most of the night; it is amazingly still quite cool when I wake up.

So that's how I'm handling the heat. If we hit 35 tomorrow, we might turn on the air conditioning at work.

ruining more conversations

2009-06-03T01:48:00.000-07:00

co-worker: it's ok if you don't eat a lot of protein, because you store it, in your body.

me: store it where, your second stomach? Maybe you do, you heffer.

friday night alone with my giant salad

2009-05-09T01:06:00.000-07:00

Thea: I just ate a salad the size of my head
Damien: Didn't this lead to problems last time?
Thea: I don't recall
Thea: did it?
Damien: You mentioned something about a huge salad and funny bodily issues
Thea: shoot
Thea: I don't remember this at all
Damien: Maybe it later affected your brain
Thea: I wonder what sort of time frame it happened in. I have to go to work tomorrow!
Damien: fairly quickly I think
Thea: was it a really big dump? Cause if it's a really big dump, that's no problem. I can handle that.
Damien: I do not recall
Thea: the only question is, will I ever go on a date with a man if I talk about really big dumps.
Damien: Some men find a practical woman a bonus!
Thea: want to hear about my huge dump?
Damien: not particularly

I ruin conversations

2009-04-24T18:42:00.000-07:00

mom: so, I just wanted to make sure that you're going to the doctor for annual check-ups.

me: don't worry about that; I get one every time I have an abortion.

Regan: Wow, Cecile has some nice biceps.

Me: That's nothing. You should see her thighs!

minimal amounts of both power and responsibility

2009-04-11T02:47:00.000-07:00

Even though I should know better so close to the end of term, I was sitting around the math club last week when one of the current execs approached me.

him: hey, can you be an exec for the club next year?

me: ugh.

him: if you don't say yes, we'll probably just make you one anyway.

other exec: that's how it happened to me.

so yeah, it looks like I'll be the "Room Manager", whatever that is. My first order of business, according to the current president, is to do something about the corn dog situation: there's a box of corn dogs in the freezer that aren't being eaten. As someone who once turned a box of fries into a backyard fire, and a thanksgiving turkey into a meter-long strip of pulp, I'm sure I can find a way to destroy a box of corn dogs. I guess that'll be my campaign platform.

flattery will get you nowhere

2009-04-06T02:44:00.000-07:00

is what my friends and family seem to believe. Here's what they've been saying to me:

Dick: every time I look at you, all I can think about is malnutrition.

former roommate: You're like an alcoholic, but with fruit. And alcohol.

my boss: you look like you're from outer space.

my mom: you weren't a mistake. We definitely planned you. We planned the heck out of you!

former roommate: my boss calls you 'Wednesday' behind your back.

Screaming Barfies

2009-03-31T08:39:00.000-07:00

I spent most of last weekend feeling pretty sick. I ate some Chinese take out Friday night, and by early Saturday morning realized that I had either food poisoning, or a really bad case of sudden-onset bulimia. Andrea insisted that I had stomach AIDS, but either way I was forced to call in sick to work after puking up what looked like a partially digested internal organ.

Some conclusions: no matter how hard I try, I cannot scream while barfing (the title is something my brother once claimed to have been afflicted with after leaving a White Spot). Also, it's difficult to come up with good onomatopoeia for vomiting. Achewood is an excellent resource for this.

properly storing your bundle of joy

2009-03-27T04:15:00.000-07:00

Today I received a pamphlet in the mail about safety, which my mother picked up at the store where she found the go-kart and rocket launcher. She found it so amusing that she mailed it to me, after adding a few comments of her own. The pamphlet compared some unsafe practices to hilariously obvious examples and pictures of dangerous behaviour, such as building your child's car seat out of scrap lumber and rope.

For a safety pamphlet, it was actually pretty funny. It's a good thing they didn't use the example of repurposing a dresser drawer as a crib for your infant daughter, as that would have been much less obvious to my parents, and the humour would have missed the mark.

bed bath and beyond

2009-03-17T02:39:00.000-07:00

So my mother called today to tell me that she had picked out Christmas presents for my brothers and I, and was about to load them into the car and pay for them when she found out that they were not for sale. She was extremely disappointed, and so was I when I found out that she had picked an off-road go-kart for me ('cause she knows I always wanted one when I was a kid), and for my brothers, "the coolest little rocket launcher" (although actually it wasn't little at all; it was large enough to be illegal to use within city limits). The first obvious question is, where is she doing her shopping these days? And the second, if she is shopping at a place that displays go-karts and rocket launchers, then why did I get bedding for my birthday?

My Kind of People

2009-02-26T23:18:00.000-08:00

As mentioned previously, I spent last week up north with some pretty awesome people. How awesome? Within minutes of arrival, Andrea asked, "wanna watch videos of models falling down?" Yes I do. Anyone who insists that a game of badminton is possible and necessary in a 10 foot square room, and pulls a car over before I can finish the sentence "I really need to puke" is pretty frikkin awesome.

They are even more awesome for 30 Rock marathons three nights in a row, and for trying to get me to watch Battlestar Gallactica by saying "Come to the dork side", and for not making me watch Battlestar Gallactica.

As was also mentioned previously, I had a birthday last week. And although "celebration" is probably too strong a word to describe what I did on that day, I did receive a thoughtful gift from a cute guy, so I'm declaring this birthday a good one.

Happy Drinking Alone Day!

2009-02-14T15:31:00.000-08:00

This day is special for a lot of reasons. It's the first day of spring break, which I will spend up north in a town you haven't heard of, in a little cabin which may or may not actually exist, with my good friends Bob and Andrea.

This year, February 14 happens exactly one week before my birthday. I haven't made any plans for this year, or any other year. I believe last year I celebrated in my friend's closet, spending some quality time with a homemade pie. It was a really really good pie, made by a friend who is a professional baker. It was so good that my then-roommate skipped a required class to help eat it, and as a result was forced to drop the class, which he needed to graduate. So he chose pie over graduation.

It also marks the third anniversary of me receiving Star Wars Epic Duels as a wonderful surprise gift from Tim. This game has changed my life. If you haven't played it, you should come over some time. It's pretty much the only thing to do at my house, which is why I end up eating pie in a closet on my birthday.

Math Jokes

2009-02-05T17:57:00.000-08:00

roommate: you want some more soup?

me: no thanks, I think I've reached Lim(sup).

me: neither of these lemmas are useful for this. Maybe I'll just use them both and say I've reached a di-lemma.

what I get for picking through the garbage behind the cs building

2009-02-03T04:39:00.001-08:00

A new travel mug!

what I get for watching Tron

2009-01-20T01:02:00.000-08:00

Ever since I watched Tron several years ago (thanks, Math Club Movie Night!), I always picture a CPU as a spinning red cylinder. And for some reason, it has the Kool-Aid man's face.

That last part probably isn't Tron's fault.

happy travels, big brother

2009-01-06T20:16:00.000-08:00

On Sunday it snowed so hard that the buses stopped running and I had to walk home from work. That took me two hours. Halfway home, my older brother called me from a bar downtown, inviting me to join him for a few drinks since he was leaving for Africa in the morning. I declined on account of the weather, of which he was completely oblivious (or he was being totally sarcastic, that just occurred to me now). I forget which country he's going to first, but I've added a link to his travel blog so I'll find out soon. He went because he got a job as a cook for a group of cyclists travelling across the continent, and because the more countries he flies to, the fewer airmiles are left for the rest of the family. This is why our brother Dan has to Go Greyhound! everytime he wants to leave the crappy city where they built UBC Okanogan.

While my brother's in Africa, I'm in the basement of a house so hot that my box of truffles melted together into a chocolate brick, and the poster mounts holding up my No Book Fights sign actually melted off the wall (my landlord controls the heat). I'm making the best of an awesome situation with Desmond Dekker, very little clothing, and cold drinks.

Also on Sunday, my neighbour from Nanaimo, the guy I grew up with and went to school with, moved to Vancouver. Although the three of us were in the same city for a day, none of us met up, which is unfortunate because we had some great times together when we were kids.

One time my brother and neighbour built a rope swing across the ravine behind our house, and asked me to try it first, since I was the smallest. I eagerly agreed and hopped onto the knot tied at the bottom. The top of the rope was tied to a second rope strung horizontally between two trees. They pulled me back and let go, at which point the two trees were pulled toward eachother and the swing dropped about four feet. I swung down one side of the ravine, reaching my peak kinetic energy just as I made perfect contact with the log bridge spanning the creek. The impact knocked me unconscious, and I fell several feet into the creek. I woke up freezing cold and wet, to the words "ok, let's try that again, but we'll tie the knot a little higher."

Eventually we did get it right, and then it was a really, really awesome swing. Good times.

Merry Christmas

2008-12-31T12:15:00.000-08:00

It's a little late, I know. I've been busy working 10 hour days since I got back to Vancouver.

This year, instead of feigning illness and avoiding my family, I got sick for real and spent nearly 4 full days with them. And while I didn't successfully infect any of them, I did score a new espresso maker, a stocking full of espresso beans and, thanks to the magic of regifting, an almost-new iPod.

Overall, I would say that this Christmas was at least as good as last Christmas, when I spent over an hour wandering through deep slush in a pair of converse sneakers, in the dark, looking for a non-existant address which I had copied down wrong.

The Coin and Stamp Collecting Club

2008-11-19T16:41:00.000-08:00

at today's meeting:

presenter: the stamp on the right is worth about two dollars. And while they look nearly identical, please note the slight variation in the perforation on the stamp on the left. Because of that, the stamp on the left is worth nearly one hundred dollars.

member: Wow. And you have them both!

me: that's like, a hundred and two dollars!

Caffeine: a mood booster?

2008-11-14T00:07:00.000-08:00

I just went 36 hours without drinking coffee. My first thought when I woke up this afternoon: "I hate living."

When it rains, it pours. And floods.

2008-10-24T01:58:00.000-07:00

All of my midterms and major projects are happening this week, so I've been having a lot of late nights and early mornings that eventually just converged. I was hoping to get at least a few hours of sleep before my midterm yesterday, so around 3am I shut my books and stepped out of my room into the kitchen, and into a few inches of water. The hot water tank had exploded, and water was rushing out from under the utility room door.

Luckily I don't own nice things, or things, so nothing was damaged by the flood. Unfortunately I only got about 2 hours of sleep before my exam, but I think it went alright anyway. I did misspell my own name again, but in my defence it is kind of a long name.

Today at Work

2008-10-20T00:07:00.000-07:00

co-worker: where's the tea balls?

me: how did you know my pet name for Tim?

things that piss me off

2008-10-16T02:44:00.000-07:00

-people who walk very slowly, in pairs, down narrow hallways or walkways.

-why does my favourite coffee shop in the SUB have a policy against cups that don't leak coffee all over my pants? They sell travel mugs which don't leak, but they come with a stupid slogan about being green and socially responsible. Fuck that noise. I bought one thinking I could just remove the inner sleeve with the slogan on it, and replace it with something tasteful, like Kliban cartoons (I even printed off "it only hurts when I exist" in anticipation) but it doesn't come apart. Jerks.

-people who make plans with me for either Friday or Saturday night, they're not sure which one yet. So I'm supposed to sit around doing nothing on Friday night, just in case they call. Are they worried something better will come along? It wont. You can't top my company.

I'm too shabby

2008-10-03T02:40:00.000-07:00

So I was doing laundry last weekend, and I noticed that my clothes are in pretty rough shape -almost everything I own has holes in it, and looks old and worn in general.

On Monday I got dressed for work and checked myself in the mirror. "Dang," I thought to myself, "I am shabby!" Luckily my employer has basically the lowest standards for this sort of thing, so I went to work without worrying too much about it.

Later, on my lunch break, I was sitting on some steps under a building overhang when an elderly man approached me. "Are you alright?" he asked.

"Uh, yeah, I'm good." I replied.

"Are you hungry? Do you need food?" he asked.

"No, thanks. I'm good," I said. He nodded and walked away, and suddenly I realized that he thought I was homeless.

I wasn't sure if I should be embarrassed by this. Of course, it's hard to feel shame over a simple misunderstanding when, on the same day, my roommate comes home and excitedly tells me about (and here I quote her directly) the "wonderful garbage" that she found at work -and I'm not talking about a 'perfectly good toaster that someone left beside the dumpster'. It was some sort of packaging material, similar to cardboard ("but, like, really nice cardboard," she insisted) which she fished out of the trash can.

I have found the perfect roommate.

the best possible response

2008-09-19T21:25:00.000-07:00

me: you want some coffee too?

roommate: yes please! Knock me UP!

Coming out of the Closet

2008-08-31T19:14:00.000-07:00

And it's about time, too. Later this week, I'm moving into a little basement suite with a cute girl I met a few years ago through the math club.

We actually started renting the place last month, but it turns out that moving requires renting or borrowing a vehicle and lifting heavy things, and that's starting to sound like work. So I stayed at my friend's house for an extra month, and luckily my hosts were totally cool with that. I'm not surprised; they're basically the nicest people ever to provide a 12kg bag of coffee beans to an unemployed freeloader sleeping on their closet floor. Here are some interesting facts about them:

-they are all vegetarians, but sometimes you can catch them flipping through the meat section of their Illustrated Cookbook, looking at photos of roasted chicken like it's porn.

-none of them think it's funny when I sing 'Everyone Pees In The Shower' while using their shower.

-they decorated my closet more thoughtfully than I have decorated any room, ever.

Anyhaps, you can now find me about 4 blocks east of their house.

Today at Work

2008-07-12T16:10:00.000-07:00

customer: can I ask you a favour?

manager: we don't do favours.

customer: but I'm a paying customer!

me: no favours; it's store policy.

customer: but I'm buying something!

manager: what are you buying?

customer: this candle.

manager: Oh, a whole candle!? How much is that, $2.37? Are you mad? We can't keep that kind of cash lying around here. I'll do a bank run right away so I can deposit $2.37. Thea, get me my running shoes.

Update

2008-07-02T13:28:00.000-07:00

So I'm still living in my friend's closet. Despite the obvious drawback of having the cubic footage of a small dumpster, I actually like living here. And it's nice to know that my streak of moving into successively smaller bedrooms ends here, unless I next move into a bathroom stall.

Last week I was toying with the idea of getting a job, lest my friends should ask me to move out of their closet anytime soon. I was walking along 4th Avenue with a bladder full of coffee, looking for a place where I could pee without having to buy something. I popped into a store where I used to work and asked to use the bathroom. Then I noticed the Help Wanted sign, and it became the second time in my life that I asked for a job wearing clothes I had slept in, and got it.

What's Irish and stays out all year?

2008-06-25T14:15:00.000-07:00

Patty O'Furniture.

More Roadkill

2008-06-19T16:31:00.000-07:00

in the car with my grandma

me: watch out for the old lady on the crosswalk.

grandma: oh, but old ladies are worth 200 points. Why do you think I always run across? Because people want those points.

later, at dinner

grandma: you have got to be the slowest eater in the world.

me: yeah, well, that's because I chew.

grandma: was that a shot? Because I don't have teeth?

grandpa: dang, Millie. She got you good.

Roadkill

2008-06-05T13:33:00.000-07:00

I hit a racoon with my brother's car last night. It was an accident, but I feel terrible about it. Why, why, couldn't it have been a cat?

Poof! No Eyebrows.

2008-05-29T01:27:00.000-07:00

I stole that title from Patrick F. McManus. If you've been reading my blog for a while, you might know that I once caused a fire in my yard trying to reheat some french fries.

Idiocy like this apparently runs in the family. Last night my brother blew the lid off a barbeque and reduced his eyebrows to two lines of scorched stubble while cooking chicken. It was spectacular, and once the smell of burning hair passed, the smell of perfectly cooked chicken was wonderful. But there's a reason why his catastrophe ended with an edible product and mine didn't: he has a culinary arts degree.

Out of Town

2008-05-11T18:01:00.000-07:00

If you want your family to like you, disappear for a long time. Then the next time they see you, they'll be happy enough that you're still alive, they wont care that you're doing nothing worthwhile with your life.

I had been living in my friend's closet, which is pretty sweet. It's actually more of a storage room attached to the living room. There's not enough space to stand up, but it has all the most important features that I like in a bedroom: a door, a bed, and a working light. Plus there's no window to let in any pesky natural light, so it's easy to sleep until 3 in the afternoon.

I would still be there now, had I not been tipped off that my mother was planning to sell my little old tv in a garage sale. I guess it was technically my dad's tv, not mine, but I had to save it. It's tiny, it's black and white, and I used to watch grainy Degrassi High reruns on it. So I'm back on the island for a bit.

There isn't much fun involved in helping run a garage sale, but I do like to bargain in the wrong direction to confuse the customers. I would also have liked to wait until we a had a bit of a crowd, then loudly say to my brother, "if anyone needs me, I'll be in the trailer having a power dump." I didn't have to try that one to know that it wouldn't go over well. Nobody here has any appreciation for my sense of humour.

Also unavailable here:

-dental floss and toothpaste
-any kind of privacy

I'll be back in Vancouver soon.

The Ultimate Collector's Millennium Falcon

2008-04-29T14:44:00.000-07:00

Last night my roommate said that he would love to own the Star Wars Lego set Millennium Falcon -the largest Lego set available.

"Of course," he added, "I would have to keep it hidden when I have people over."

Thinking of the sort of people he typically invites over, I assumed he meant he would hide it to prevent theft, or perhaps damage inflicted by clumsy people trying to re-enact Star Wars scenes. He then clarified that he wouldn't want anyone to think he's not cool. Gabe pointed out that most of his current friends would probably think more of him for building the Millennium Falcon, and in fact the set could act as a litmus test for new friends; anyone who doesn't think it's cool could automatically be rejected as a friend.

At this point I started laughing and told him that he already has plenty of litmus tests. I think he has rejected potential friends for saying 'comic book' instead of 'graphic novel' and I once nearly lost his friendship for referring to magic realism as a type of fantasy.

I'm not innocent of this either. I have rejected potential friends for misusing a pie chart (this really, seriously ticks me off). It's bad to reject friends for something so insignificant, but at least it's free. Using a Millenium Falcon Lego set to reject people costs $679.99.

Dreams Are Strange

2008-04-23T14:31:00.000-07:00

I had a dream that Jim Morrison was alive, and he lived in my neighbourhood and could occaisionally be seen at the drugstore making odd purchases.

When I told this to my roommate, he asked, "You mean like condoms?"

"I mean like swim flippers and bargain bin cookbooks," I said.

Jim Morrison would never buy condoms. Although I suppose that would make it an odd purchase, so perhaps my roommate was not totally out of line.

In the same dream I had a t-shirt with a Gary Larson comic on it. That's the part of the dream that I fully expect to come true.

Losing Sleep Over The Sleepless

2008-04-17T00:04:00.000-07:00

I have spent the last year or so looking for the second book of Nancy Kress' sleepless trilogy. I read the first one, bought the third one, and I have been to every book store in Vancouver in search of a new or used copy of the second book, Beggars and Choosers. I finally decided to order it because I need closure, dammit, and they tell me it's out of print.

If I had been able to order it, then all that time spent combing through used book stores would have been a waste. Now that I know I can't order it, that time seems well-spent, unlike the money I used to purchase other books that I don't really want, trying to fill the void left by the gap in the trilogy.

No Name Brand Decaffeinated Instant Coffee

2008-04-02T08:11:00.000-07:00

I refuse to believe that anyone buys and consumes this product on purpose.

What People Think Of Us

2008-03-09T05:18:00.000-07:00

Early yesterday morning (and I mean 'crack of dawn' early), my roommate's dad left a strongly worded message on the answering machine, accusing my roommate of stealing his magazines. My roommate was baffled at the accusation, but his father was furious, and demanded the safe return of his magazines. We played the message a few times and had a good laugh.

Later that evening, our friend Steve called and I invited him over.

"I'm on my way," he said. "And I'll pick up some SmartFood." That seemed like an odd choice to me. I have tasted SmartFood maybe twice in my life, and I have never considered buying it.

A half hour later there was a knock on the door. I opened it to find a man holding a bag of SmartFood, but it wasn't Steve. It was my friend Gabe.

"Just thought I'd stop by to hang out for a bit," he said. "I brought you some SmartFood." (As I'm writing this I'm realizing that I still haven't heard back from Steve, and he never did show up. Odd.)

Gabe and I watched Arrested Development for a few hours, then he went home and I took my bike out for a ride. I only made it a few blocks from my house before I was stopped by the cops. Apparently I look suspicious, riding my BMX bike at 2am on the east side of Vancouver, wearing mostly black. They just asked me what I was doing, where I was going, I showed them my ID, then they left and I went home.

So this is what people think of us, I thought. We're thieves, and we love artificial cheese flavouring. I am a little bit offended, and I can't imagine what we did to earn this reputation. We did recently buy several blocks of cheese from Donald's Market, at a price that was practically stealing, but it was real cheese, not artificial.

Back To School

2008-02-17T02:28:00.000-08:00

I've been doing some thinking, and I've decided that I should get back to school. This time I'm not referring to the 1986 comedy starring Rodney Dangerfield, although I'll probably get that too.

I would like to improve my computer skills, which currently lie somewhere between piss and poor, and it also saves me the trouble of changing the Industry entry on my Blogger profile from Student to Barfly.

And in breaking news, I just dumped my dinner on my lap trying to turn up the volume on my computer.

Roommates

2008-02-06T22:55:00.000-08:00

Here's something to try if you have two or more roommates and don't care how much they hate you: next time both roommates are present, talk about one of them as though he is retarded. For example, last night while we were making dinner, I pointed at one roommate and I said to the other, "is it ok if I give him a B-E-E-R?"

back again

2008-01-24T12:31:00.000-08:00

So I haven't blogged in a while. I've been so busy with my new important job, I can hardly find the time to lie in bed all day with a bottle of wine. None of that last sentence is true, but I have been surprisingly busy meeting up with old friends and spending time with visiting brothers. I thought my social life would die down a bit once I graduated and moved out to the sticks (east of Oak Street), but it really hasn't.

In disgusting news for today, a cockroach has crawled up into the inside of the clock on our stove and died there, obscuring some of the digits. I named it The Clockroach.

I'm a tomboy and I live in a dump

2007-12-19T17:38:00.000-08:00

quote of the month:

Roommate: I'm really glad that you're friends with her.
me: why?
Roommate: because it's hard for you to make new women friends.

quote of the week:

"Huh. It's actually not that dirty."
-my brother, on seeing my new house.

Two Cats With One Stone

2007-12-07T15:27:00.000-08:00

In response to the requests from last week's comments, here is a conversation involving my mother and cat jokes. It took place two years ago at a family dinner with my grandpa.

Grandpa: You know who died last week? Mr. Whiskers.

(Mr. Whiskers is the man's real name)

Mom: He worked with the cadets, didn't he. (snickering) Sergeant Whiskers. How could anyone take him seriously?

Dan: and it only gets funnier as he goes up the ranks... Admiral Whiskers.

Mom: Top Gun Whiskers!

(Everyone laughs, except grandpa)

Grandpa: he was a really nice guy. Lived to 68.

Dad: what's that in cat years?

Grandpa: The cadets are doing a special thing for the funeral.

Me: they're gonna bury him in a giant cardboard shoe box!

Mom: I'll do the eulogy. I want chicken, I want liver, Meow Mix Meow Mix, please deliver.

(at this point, we are all laughing too hard to speak, except for grandpa, who just looks sad)

A few days later, we found an old newspaper with his obituary and photograph in it. Mom wanted to scan it into the computer so we could photoshop some ears and whiskers onto his picture and send it to grandpa, but we decided that that would be distasteful.

Seven Random Facts

2007-11-30T15:16:00.000-08:00

I've been tagged, and although it's normally TitB policy to ignore these things, I'll make an exception because it's Nic.

Here are seven random facts about myself:

1. I was vegetarian for a year. Ethics, health, economics ...all great reasons. I did it entirely out of spite.

2. I would rather sleep in jeans than pyjamas.

3. My brothers can make me laugh at the drop of a hat, without fail. They wait until I'm eating borscht or drinking hot coffee, then say something funny and watch me laugh it all over myself. I'd like to say that we outgrew this, but we were still doing it last summer.

4. As a kid, I once climbed out of a second-floor window to avoid practicing the piano.

5. For the past few years, it has been my dream to sit in the back of a 4th year university math class and yell, "BOR-RING!"

6. I am currently unemployed. A recent conversation with my mother on this topic went like this:

mom: so where are you working now?

me: I'm not working.

mom: oh, did you quit your job at the candy store?

please note that I have never in my life worked in a candy store, or in any store that could be confused as such.

7. Before I was introduced to my boyfriend's family, he told them that I dress "like a hobo".

time to buy new clothes

2007-11-05T16:44:00.000-08:00

I have never put a lot of effort into my wardrobe. I don't even have a dresser because all my clothes fit into my nightstand, and almost everything I own came from a thrift store.

It may be time to buy new clothes though. Today I left a sock on the floor and my roommate put it in the garbage can, not recognizing it as an article of clothing.

My New House

2007-10-30T03:01:00.000-07:00

So I moved again.

My new room is nice, but I somehow managed to downsize. My last room was slightly larger than a station wagon, so this doesn't even seem possible, but there is no configuration of bed, nightstand and child-sized desk which allows the door to open more than a foot.

The window to my room is directly across from the neighbour's bathroom. They have a textured glass window and I have blinds, but this is no match for their extreme lighting setup. Maybe they've got an entire wall covered in halogens, or maybe they have a cow-sized chandelier in there, but every day at 6am my room lights up like a solarium.

We have vermin. I have lived in houses infested with mice, spiders, ants and crickets. This is my first cockroach experience, and I'm not impressed. Even my best friends have to ask before eating my food or leaving an egg sack in the cutlery drawer.

Overall, the place gets a D in my books, which is especially crappy considering that I once lived in a basement storage room with no door.

Never Nude

2007-10-09T01:04:00.000-07:00

When I was in third year, my then-roommates theorized that I did not exist in the naked form.

My bedroom door did not close properly, and this led to the door opening by mistake a lot. After living together for several months, someone pointed out that by now, they should have seen me nude at least once. The odds were just not in my favour. So my roommates jokingly set a goal to catch me naked before the end of the year, and I jokingly bought a bolt lock for my door.

Towards the end of the year when the joke had been mostly forgotten, I was getting ready to move out, and my roommate Chris was trying to find someone to take my room. One evening, while I was getting changed, he knocked on my door. I had forgotten to lock it, and I was wearing only underwear, so I just held a shirt to cover myself and called out, "I'm naked!".

"SWEET!" Chris yelled, shouldering the door open and rushing in. Then he looked at me, saw that I was not completely naked, shook his head and muttered "damn" before closing the door again. The horrified young woman who witnessed this incident decided not to take the room.

Today in Unintentional Insults

2007-09-25T16:58:00.000-07:00

I bought myself a lunchbox. It doesn't have a picture of The Smurfs on it or anything; it's plain blue and made of metal, and I've gotten a lot of compliments for it in the lunchroom at work. I bought it because my lunch kept getting squished in my backpack, and I really wanted one anyway. And my mom threw away my old Smurfs lunchbox.

I was talking with a friend of my roommates while I packed my lunch, and the subject of my age came up. She was very surprised to hear that I'm 23.

"I thought you were younger. I mean, I thought you were a lot younger."

"is it because of the lunchbox?" I asked.

"Oh no, actually I was going to say that your lunchbox is really cool. A lot of my clients use them."

"clients?"

"I work with handicapped children."