my good deed for the day

If I ever arrive at the Pearly Gates:

Saint Peter: It says here that you once helped a homeless man carry his heavy bags for several blocks.

me, beaming with pride: Yes, sir. For as the Bible says, in Matthew 25:40...

Saint Peter: ...and then as soon as you got home, you washed your hands for two full minutes instead of the standard 30 seconds.

progress

When my maternal grandmother died, my uncle Jim located my male cousins and siblings who had made it to her funeral and asked if they could be pallbearers. My cousins and brothers lined up on both sides of the casket.

Then my uncle Hugh called out, "Hey boys, it's the 21st century. How about we include Thea?"

I got to be a pallbearer, which was something I really wanted to do.

After the ceremony, I hugged my uncle and said, "Thank you for including me."

He hugged me back and said, quietly, "There was an odd number of people. It was uneven."

man cave

My father has a man cave. I told him I was envious. I wish I had a man cave! He said, "I'm pretty sure you live in one."

firewood

In my childhood neighbourhood (sidebar: we moved three times without leaving that neighbourhood), we had a really nice neighbour, Mr. Swan. He lived next door -kind of; I grew up in a rural area, and "next door" meant at least a kilometer away. A tree blew over on his property, and he donated it to us because our house was heated by a wood stove.

It was a lot of work to chop up the tree. Fortunately, my father got his kids to do it.

It was a cottonwood tree. Total crap firewood. Call us when a cedar tree blows over.

Daylight Savings Time

I wonder if Flava Flav has finished updating the time on all of his clocks.

texting with my brother

him: I have a gift for you. I neither picked it out, nor paid for it.

me: Your lack of enthusiasm is the greatest gift of all.

my medical file

doctor: It says in your file that you're gay.

me: That's in my file? You keep track of that? Why is it even important? I've dated men and women. And sometimes both at once. A while ago. Briefly. It was a short-term thing. And they knew about each other.

I'm thinking, "Goddamn. Keep it together, Thea."

doctor: So, anyway. There's no chance that you're pregnant? Because the drugs we're giving you could be a problem if you are.