reputation

doctor: It's been noted in your file that you make jokes at inappropriate moments.

me: Really? Who said that?

doctor (flatly): It was mentioned by multiple doctors.

my doctor kept me waiting

doctor: Sorry for being late.

me: How dare you.

doctor: Sarcasm is intact.

Ew.

My brother's wife has him saved in her contacts as "Dreamboat".

My brother. Dreamboat

So anyway, can you die from barfing?

People hate drummers?

I was having coffee with some friends, and someone came with a guitar. They asked the group is anyone else plays a musical instrument, so I said I play the drums.

friend: Drummers are just the worst.

me: Hey, what did I do?

other friend: Yeah, my son plays the drums!

me: What a piece of shit.

economic downturn

More and more people are living in their cars, which is bad. But, they can save a lot of money by bundling their home and auto insurance.

a problem for future me

Thanks to generations of careful inbreeding, my upper jaw is a total disaster. I'm halfway through life, and at this point my only goal is to make it to the finish line at roughly at same time as my last few molars. Recently, my dentist proposed a procedure which might save two of them.

dentist: If we do this, you could preserve those two for another thirty years.

me: What happens after thirty years?

dentist: I don't know. I'll be dead.

this haunts me

Mouta's brother once, while visiting Canada from China, bought macaroni salad at Walmart and microwaved it. And then he ate it.